The Caulfield Housewifes
by TheProbeToYourButt
Summary: Max Caulfield went crazy, or at least that's what people thought when she declared she's marrying Nathan Prescott and having a family with him. Yet she proved them wrong, just as she always does. Her only doubt now is - if she can manage being a full-time Mom, Wife, Friend, Cook, Cleaner and Mental Assistant.


13th April

It's Katie's birthday today and I'm a mess. Who thought it was a good idea to get up at 6 a.m?

Making soft-boiled eggs for my little Princess and crying inside because I can never make them properly (they either end up overdone or raw) and Katie loves them with toast.

I swear I just heard Nathan snore all the way from upstairs.

Reminder to leave my phone on recorder the next time he falls asleep this heavily and then claims he's as quiet as an abbey mouse.

Fuck. First try is a fail. I cracked the egg to see what's inside (I know it's obviously egg but you know what I mean) and it was overdone. The yolk was as hard as brick! Fuck!

Calling Kate. She'll be asleep but I'll apologize later.

This is panic at the kitchen. Heh.

Get it?

Thank the Heavens for Kate. The eggs are all right. Could be better, but it's hard to follow instructions over phone.

Woke up Katie an hour later so she can eat her favorite breakfast. She's stuffing her cheeks with bacon. Nathan is still asleep. He promised he'd drive Katie to playschool today. He always does this.

Tried to wake up the "Man of the House". I was once again reminded that I "don't know who the fuck he is" and "who I'm messing around with". I swear I heard that already somewhere before.

Katie is begging me to let her stay home because it's her birthday. My persistence is crumbling. Nathan needed to the rescue with his unfaltering "Prescott Prestige" to aid me!

No deal. If he doesn't come downstairs in ten minutes, I'll hide his favorite peach jam.

Update: Hid the jam. Told Katie she can stay home if she keeps the jam a secret. Hopefully a pinkie promise from a four-year-old will be enough.

Nathan is looking for the jam. He'll never suspect the couch.

Another update: Angry Nathan refuses to eat anything else and drives off with Katie. The house is mine at last. I can finally wrap Katie's present in peace.

Chloe called this afternoon. Said she can't come to the party today because her MOM (Man Of the Moment) is acting out.

"I'm so sorry, Max. I promise I'll kick by in a few days...Joey is just so fucking annoying. I knew I should've never went to Majorca with him."

"It's cool, Chloe." I said, but didn't add what followed in my mind to be "Sure Katie's going to be disappointed her favorite punkspiration won't be here but hell..."

"I know that holiday meant a lot to you. Is the weather treating you and Joe all right?" I asked instead in a calm voice.

"Despite my back tearing away with all the sunburn, I'm hella cool, thanks." She hung up on me shortly after. I guess I'm not as comforting as I assumed.

Waiting for another episode of "Say Yes to the Dress" at 7 p.m. I hope "Naked and Afraid" is not on air today because it's on at the same time as my show. Nathan will totally snatch the remote from me again.

"What's so interesting about two naked dudes trying to survive in an empty forest?" I ask while Nathan shoves his hand in the bowl on chicken bits I made for Katie.

"What's so interesting about a bunch of chicks bickering over whether they want lace or polyester on their fucking dress?" He scoffs, eyes still glued to the telly.

"I'm...actually surprised you remember the fabrics. Although polyester doesn't go on wedding dresses."

"Yeah, I'm cool like that. Now shut it."

Turned out "Naked and Afraid" is on today. Please wait for me next week, Randy-sama! I'll watch your show next week and I swear I'll get the remote faster than my forsaken excuse of a husband.

Nevermind. I can't hate him for too long.

He grabs my bottom when we're lying in bed tonight and I throw myself at him and while we're having a good time, he starts laughing hysterically.

"What's so funny?" I huff in annoyance as he keeps laughing.

"You make a howling sound when you moan. Like an owl." I gape at him in disbelief and when he sees my face, he tries mimicking what I am assuming to look like my pleased expression.

"Ooooooh...Hoooooh..." He croaks out and laughs again.

Attention Max Caulfield: Nathan Prescott has officially been banned from sexy time until further notice.


End file.
